Last night I broke down and bought Civilization 5. It was a buy in anger. I had just logged onto WAR to run as fast as I could to the gate for the city attack. While in the city we were faced against a band of scrubs for a defense. Stage 1 was played as if there was no opposition at all. So we capture everything and setup our force at the gate to defend our Lord of Change. I get up to take a piss, 2 minutes maybe, to come back to the gates of Reikwald.
So, now I am 10K less of the renown I most surely would have received, I’m also down 3 Royal crest and … and I can’t do shit for 15 minutes. I can’t queue, I can go back into another instance, I can phap maybe? Overwhelming nerd rage overtook me. To the point that I even took the time for a CSR report. Obviously feedback isn’t enough. No response. So, knowing that my mood was going to be foul, I turned down a ToVL run. I just knew frustrating PvE was not the thing to do while I was steaming. So I bought and downloaded Civ 5.
Surprisingly the game downloaded and installed in no time. I mean, it was to the degree that I thought something went wrong. It was way to fast.
Now, to start, I am an old Civilization player. Like I started playing Civ 2 and went and bought Civ 1 after the better game just to see it, I was so in love. Civilization III owned me for 2 years and Civ IV’s box set is sitting on my shelf. It’s just tin, that’s just how much I love that game. And now, I go and read the reviews and I’m sad I missed the reviews from my fellow Civilization lovers before buying this game. This is not Civilization, this is not my Civilization at all.
You begin the game, and as a veteran Civilization player you roll your mouse over everything. Trying to learn the statistics, trying to see the notes. There is none. So then you go into settings trying to find how to turn back on those key OCD loved enablers of our beloved Civ III and IV features. To no avail. Okay, maybe they wanted a less cluttered screen. Can I right-click and pull up a Civlopedia to tell me every little detail? NO you fucking can’t. It does have a Civilopedia, it’s just mind-numbingly fucking stupid, it makes you want to blow the balls/ovaries off the designers so that they can’t reproduce future morons of game designs.
It shows you almost nothing. It’s not detailed at all. For instance, I’m playing as Alexander of the Greeks, and my little Warrior pack goes on a tribal village and upgrades my Warriors to Hoplite. Interesting I thought on 2 points, villages can now also upgrade your troops. But more so, as in past Civilizations, Warriors and Spearman were always on different upgrade trees. Warriors go to Axeman then to Macemen then to Machinegunners (Attack Based). Where Spearmen got to Pike then to Riflemen (Defense Based). I wanna see what changed. Go to Civilopedia, look up Warriors and …. yes in fact Warriors do in fact exist in the game. Thank you Civilopedia, your outstanding helpfulness was overwhelming in the amount of knowledge you spewed. For Sid’s sake, even Civ Revolution had a detailed Civilopedia.
So now it’s time for some combat. How much strategy and risk is there in combat? As long as you can understand colors, none what so effing ever. It clearly tells you exactly how its going to play out before you attack. What risk or big gain is there? None.
Looking at reviews of game reviewers, Civilization V is being praised. Except 1UP.com, who earned giant respects from me for standing up and saying exactly what this game is. It’s a sad compromise to less involvment and thought to hopefully get them to play Civ. Which is a mind fuck in itself. You built a franchise that was on the complete basis for making a complex world. And now you want to meet them half way?
You clearly removed Religions due to political correctness so that you didn’t offend. It’s just like when you removed Tobacco from Civ III, you have no backbone. Religion has and in some ways, continues to be the main feature of everything in history. Go kill this, the Pope says so. Go claim this, I hate Taoism. What happened to the learning experience of Civilization. The quotes, the back history, the explanation. In this, I don’t get moments where I go, “Oh, I never knew Socrates said that.” Or, “Impies beat Italian tank divisions in northern Africa? Pansies.” Don’t sacrifice cool ass quotes and tidbits and then game play because, some Catholic Girl is going to get offended that Christianity was founded by the Chinese. It’s a fucking game, fuck her. She’ll repent, it’s all good.
Songhai, really? Really? That’s the big civilization for Africa? Mud huts? Spain, who practically came close to owning most the world didn’t even make it. But, we can’t forget Songhai.
It’s like they took the one game that actually had complexity and ruined it. Each Civ is supposed to get more and more complex, to the point the only thing holding back the games are the capabilities of the computers at the time. Civ III was light years in complexity from Civ II. And the 3 expansions just each add to that complexity. Then Civ IV comes, and we are blown away at the capabilities and just the depth of what we wanted out of Civilization. And then the expansions just take that depth and dig a new hole to China feeding our hearts content at having density and a bottomless pit of situations to tryout and manage. I and I’m sure my fellow Civ lovers were expecting Civ V to deliver the end all of real strategy and awesomeness. At the very worse, basically Civ IV with updated graphics and some new features.
That’s not what this is at all. Yeah, the graphics are better, but as for depth, new complexity, new things to learn, harder situations to manage. Ummmmmm … I didn’t see that. Am I supposed to have to wait till the industrial revolution to flex a brain cell to play this. I feel like I’m playing Civ Revolution on my PC. On my PEE CEE. The difference is it doesn’t take 5 minutes to save on my iPhone. As well, it doesn’t crash to desktop every other animation. This game is filled with bugs. Which makes no sense, there is nothing to it.
I was back on my DoK by 10 PM, needless to say. A shameless disappointment. Civilization V: Was IV too complicated, well come try V.
Post Edit: Some strong nouns like dumb and stupid offended some people and apparently was taken too personal. The post has been edited. Basically I just edited out those words. Almost same sentence. If you find yourself offended by Mr. Meh, thank you for taking me seriously, but in the future, I wouldn’t.
If you loved Civ IV, I can’t express to you the ungodly hate you will probably have for Civ V. The heavens will open and you will cry tears of blood.
If you hated Civ IV, you might have a shot at liking Civ V, many are happy as hell. Go try it out. There’s a free trial on Steam. Take minutes to download.